The Ice Cream Clash

Welcome ladies and gentlemen of all ages, to the world-famous Ice Cream Clash, coming to you live from the Save Me San Francisco Stadium. We’ve got a good fight for you tonight! An impressive matchup sure to keep you on the edge of your seat. Let’s meet our contestants:

In this corner, weighing in at 72 years, the reigning champion, Bi-Rite Creamery!! And in the other corner, coming in at 59 years, the challenger, Mitchell’s Ice Cream!!



Folks, I have eaten a lot of ice cream in my day, so I can tell you we’ve got two of the best here in the ring tonight. Two different ice cream shops, both have been around a long time, and both of them offer good quality ice cream. There’s the opening bell! Let’s get it on! 

Bi-Rite Creamery begins strong with a left hook: all their ingredients are organic and farmed locally. But wait, Mitchell’s comes back with an uppercut: they buy from local farmers, too! Well, the champion counter-attacks saying they make all their ice cream in house daily. The contender holds strong with that claim as well, then ups the ante with their use of exotic ingredients, such as buko (baby coconut), langka (jackfruit), and ube (purple yam) fruit from the Philippines. A jab of strange and unusual flavors comes in from Bi-Rite, then a family-owned punch from Mitchell’s, and that’s the end of Round One. So far, I think it’s a pretty close race.

Alright, we’re back folks, and there’s the bell to start round two! Mitchell’s begins this round touting that there’s no line at their shop. That’s gotta sting! The champion considers the line a good thing and jumps right back up. They hit the contender where it hurts by pointing out their ugly website. Mitchell’s is struggling a bit at this point, but still throws a strong 45 flavors cross. This is followed by a steady stream of fists, and honestly, I can’t tell who’s punching who! I hear someone mention the Mission District, but that could come from either contestant. And a claim that their ice cream is unbelievably creamy, but they can both say that. Finally, right before the closing bell, Bi-Rite sends a deafening right hook: their ice cream is made with LOVE. And Mitchell’s goes down for the count.

We have a winner! The reigning champ holds on to its title! What a great matchup! The contender put up a strong fight, and I won’t be surprised if I see them in the ring again. Well, that’s it folks. From the Save me Stadium, I thank you for tuning in to the Ice Cream Clash. Goodnight.


Bi-Rite Creamery. 18th and Dolores. Save Me Article.
Mitchell’s Ice Cream. 29th and San Jose.


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